I'm wishin you were here

I didnt make the team...softball team.

I feel like crap, haven't cryed this much in a reallyyyy long time.

ACTS sucked. I did horrible.

things at home suck

i dont know what to do really.


i feel so lost.

Why did he do that?
Why did i tell my secret?
Why can't i forget?
Why do i feel so terrible?
Why do i feel like crying?


I wish I knew why i was in this sucky mood. I wish i knew the answers to all of the questions i have right now, but i might never know the answer to them.

I had an amazing time this weekend but now i am home and all i can do is work and think.
I can't concentrate on anything and i can't even describe my mood.

My mom is being a jerk and a half she won't leave any of us alone. I mean she pretty much hates everyone in his house.

Thom and i are going to the fair tomorrow and then i am going to a Tigers game with Megan and Chelsea. Those are the only two things i have to look forward to.





this world will never be what i expected and if i don't belong who would have guessed it?

The past two days haven't been so great. I'm having eating issues and my friends realized that. They weren't happy at all. Idk it wasn't on purpose i just wish they could understand.

Today Thom and i were supposed to hangout but i couldn't. Well i found out from two different people in the past two days that he hooked up with another girl two days after we broke up. He has been telling me about how he misses me and all this stuff but he failed to mention he lost his virginity two days after we broke up.

I don't know what to do or how to feel. I am upset because i trusted him and i never liked a guy as much as i did him...he told me he loved me.


I am so confused and frustrated with how things are going right now. i never thought things would be like this, so much has changed.

I was having a terrible night on thursday...My dad wasn't talking to me, he ran out of his pain meds that he is addicted to know so he was in pain and having withdrawls.

It just wasn't fun, i started having like a freaking panic attack or something...i was breathing all weird and thought i was going to cry while i was pacing back and forth in my house.

That night turned around though...

I was sitting in living room and all of a sudden Megan and Chelsea busted through my back door dressed in black and kidnapped me...I'm not even kidding. I guess my mom and pretty much everyone knew that they had this planned. So after they kidnapped me they had me dress in black and we went up to East and painted the grafitti rock.
It was so much fun.

Yesterday was my dads birthday...I think he had a good one. We took him out to lunch and he had a big ice cream cake. Then people came over for a bonfire.
I spent the night at Megans and we went to her brothers baseball tournament.

It has been a good day..I haven't been home and i am chillen at megans again tonight

sweeeeeeeeeetttttttttt

soooooo Thom and I are talking again and it makes me really happy. I don't know where things will go from here but for now i am happy that we are on the same page.

I deleted my myspace today. My dad is mad at me because he was going through comments again and this time he read a comment that said i hated being at home....I was really bored that day.

Well he took it wrong ....again. So that was it for me, I can't keep getting in trouble over myspace comments. I have no privacy he goes through everything and it's just not worth it.

I am so frustrated idk what to do. He is so md he won't even talk to me. I feel like i am always screwing up and like he doesn't trust me. Once he finds out i deleted my myspace he is going to be pissed.

I am still not feeling to well ...everytime i eat i feel so sick... the only way to make myself feel better is too get sick.

I hate it...I really do

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All of this hate and all of this pain
I'll burn it all down,as my anger reigns.

Things lately.....

they have been interesting. I haven't been home hardly at all, and when i am all i do is clean or get yelled at until i leave again to hangout with Chelsea, Megan, or go to work.

Thom and i broke up :/
He won't really talk to me now, and i hate it....Idk which is worse him constantly wanting to talk/comment me or him not talking to me at all.
I miss him alot, but i don't miss the way he treated me the last week.

My dad has been SO moody ...I hate it we fight so much...I miss the days when i just sit on my dads lap and laugh with him when he came home from work,
Drawing on his tattoos with washable markers,and all the other fun things we used to do. Now he is always sleeping or he doesn't feel good from Dialysis. The Painkillers he takes...he is addicted to now and they make him so mean ..especially when he is having withdrawls.

Megan and Chelsea get so mad when i don't talk to them about what's bothering me. I hate it I mean i know it's not good to bottle everything inside...but it's just how i am sometimes.
I've gotten better at opening up to them. They are my best friends and i don't know what i would do without them...They keep me going and lately they are the only thing that can get me out of bed and my room.

My appetite SUCKS...I feel like i'm starving, make a sandwhich, maybe eat half b/c i feel full, then i feel like i am going to be sick....I don't get it.

Summer has never gone by this slow but i can't complain for the most part.

Wow, I'm not sure what the deal is...I have had plenty of opportunities to post on here but just haven't. Maybe it's because I have been keeping everything inside again.

Summer....i love it, but i hate being home and away from my friends. Work is crazy as usual..I seriously am starting to hate it there, and forgetting to go in one friday...definately didn't help things.

I've been hanging out with my two best friends and Thom when i can. Thom and I are official but idk for how much longer...we have been fighting for the past week.

Last sunday (fathers day) my dad was really sick, he couldn't even open his presents. I felt like it was my fault. Feeling like it was my fault was just another thing adding on to my list of things bottling up inside. That night he got worse and i felt really bad, i was thinking about alot of things, and I couldn't sleep....I took nine tylenol threes. I had allergic reaction to them and i had overdosed. When i woke up my eyes were almost swollen shut, I woke up my mom and she thought it was from allergies...I finally told her half an hour later that i had took a lot of painkillers. I started throwing up and then she took me to the E.R. my mom said that this was the first time anything like this has happened (even though it wasn't) So after 4 hours of tests, lectures, almost having to get my stomach pumped I was able to go home. I was really scared but i feel better now, and i'm going to counceling.

Staci has been calling me since she found out what happened. I don't really enjoy talking to her anymore, so the conversations are pretty short.

Well I have to go get ready to go to the mall...my best friend gets her license today so we will be cruising around =]

Hmmmm so I haven't been able to post anything in a while....I've been super busy with Softball and work. There isn't too much going on, next week we play our last two games and then we have our banquet.

I really like this guy, he is soooo nice and I've been talking to him for hours after I get home from softball lately. One problem....My parents....They were being really mean last night when I asked if i could go the movies with him on Saturday. My dad Was like "well you need to remember ...what goes around comes around." and he told me that because I told Bryan that we should take a break and now I like someone else....this guy is going to do that to me. I really don't think he would though.
I can talk to him and he makes me happy, he told me I was beautiful and a guy has never told me that before, but my parents don't care ..they think I'm married to Bryan.



Then I got yelled at because my myspace doesn't show my comments ....and my dad is mad because he can't read them.

I'm ready for school to get out....hopefully I won't be home very much during the summer. I should be busy with summer softball and work.

<3

Last week was crazy we had three games and it was just wow....I was so ready for it to be over.

My dad hasn't been feeling to hot, and everyone has been stressed. Staci came to say goodbye but she didn't talk to any of us then when it was time to leave she asked if she could have a hug and I asked if I could have my sister back.

yea..so then we kinda got into it. I found out on thursday that she had a going away party and didn't invite us to it...but she told the people that were there that we "refused to come" She is in Florida now and she still is causing chaos.

My mom is in bad mood
grrr

I'm doing ok just hanging out with the softball girls and trying to enjoy life.


"Lets compare scars and I'll tell you who's worse."

ohhhh and I think I like someone =]

Today was okay. We had our softball game against west and we won both of them! I didn't do the greatest at batting and stuff....I was super nervous. Jessiecame and talked to me while we were stretching and then Sarah came during the game and stayed to watch. It ment the world to me, I was so happy. Staci didn't come because she doesn't care and it felt so good to know that there are other people that would come to watch and support me.

Staci is coming tomorrow to say goodbye when I get out of work. This could be very interesting , I want to slap her and her stupid new goals across the face.

(Remember to keep your phone on tomorrow Sarah)

Well I'm super tired from Cheering my butt off at the game lol...So I'm off to bed =]

So last night I had a freaky dream. I dremt that I was at school and Staci came with her boyfriend to find me. She found me at my locker and she looked really angry. I ran away, but I tripped then she grabbed my feet and dragged me down the hall. She told me everything was my fault, and she was yelling at me. Then She dragged me out the door and hit my head on on it so I was bleeding. Nathan started yelling at me and he kicked me as I was lying in the mud by the portables.Then they drove away to Florida. yea pretty much the worst dream ever.

Yesterday after work I decided I was going to fly my new batman kite that I got for easter. It was my first time ever flying a kite. I was doing good until it got caught in one of our huge trees. I tryed everything to get it down. Then I decided to park my car under it, climb on the roof and climb the tree. I ended up not being able to get my kite and I couldn't get back down the huge tree. Luckily my younger sister knew where a big ladder was at!

It's so nice out I can't believe it! Hopefully It's nice out for our game tomorrow! We play west , at east ...so if you want you should come :)

Yea, so I haven't had the greatest week ever. I'm stressed about pretty much everything, work, school, softball, and life at home. Last night was crazy, I went over to my friends house and another friend from softball came over. We had a good time calling pretty much everyone while intoxicated. Then after passing out I started throwing up. I was puking out my nose and mouth as my friends were laughing their asses off. This morning we made cookies, and ate pizza rolls yummmm. oh, I also found out that My sister is engaged and moving to Florida in a week and a half.. I've seen my sister once since she has moved out and that was on easter when she was a total jerk. She said she would be coming by to say goodbye. Awesome fucking awesome...I don't need her. She can have a good life with her stupid lazy boyfriend (that bought her the cheapest ring from walmart ever).

So adios to you, I can do this on my own...you were never there for me anyways.

well I need to clean and take a shower, so hopefully I can go hang with Sarah for a little while tonight.

You come to me with your scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine
But I know it's a lie

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything you need me to be

Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you
They don't know you at all
I'm so sick of when they say
It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine
But I know it's a lie

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everwhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything you need me to be
The last night away from me

The night is so long when everything's wrong
If you give me your hand
I will help you hold on
Tonight, tonight

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everwhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything you need me to be

I won't let you say goodbye
And I'll be your reason why
The last night away from me
Away from me

This is a song that the band Skillet played at Battlecry, and I really like it. I went to battlecry feeling empty and numb, but now ...idk what happened but I feel better even though I'm not super religious it affected me it had to have because as of right now I feel happy again.

It's nice to feel like this, I just hope it lasts

She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong
But she still sleeps with the light on
And she acts like it's all right on, as she smiles again
And her mother lies there sick with cancer
And her friends don't understand her
She's a question without answers
Who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she's so much more than worthless
She needs to find a purpose,
She wonders what she did to deserve this


She's calling out to you
This is a call, this is a call out
Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to you
And I'm losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I'm asking you to show me what this life is all about

And he tells everyone a story,
Cause he thinks his life is boring
And he fights so you won't ignore him,
Cause that's his biggest fear
And he cries, but you'll rarely see him do it
And he loves but he's scared to use it
So he hides behind the music
Cause he likes it that way
And he knows, he's so much more than worthless
He needs to find the surface
Cause he's starting to get nervous



Have you ever felt this way before
Cause I don't wanna hide here anymore
Take me to a place where nothing's wrong
And thanks for coming, shut the door
And they say some one out there sees us,
Well if you're real, then save me Jesus
Cause I've been this way for far too long
I wasn't meant to feel alone



Show me what this life is all about
Show me what this life is all about

yea I slept in this morning b/c I didn't feel like getting up and my mom was almost in a really bad car accident on the way to dialysis. Some one came into her lane and yea if my dad hadn't grabbed the stearing wheel while my mom was driving....who know what would have happened.

Idk if I am going to battlecry this weekend b/c I didn't want to go in the first place and now my friend isn't going.

Last night my dad was talking to his Friend Aaron that was over and he said he is seriously thinking about moving to Georgia permanently. Idk what I would do....I'm pretty sure I would have like a mental breakdown if I left my friends and had to make new ones in Georgia.

This morning I asked bryan what he thought about taking a break. He said "is that what you want?" and I told him that I have to love myself before I can love someone else. Things are not going very good for me right now and it's not fair to Bryan. I don't think he does or will understand.

I didn't talk much today. I stayed quiet as my head was filled with thoughts of the past few days. I'd get so angry I'd start scraping at my arms again. During 5th hour I used a pass to go to the bathroom but I was kinda upset so I decided to go to the counceling office afterwards to talk to Mrs. Wilmers about everything. She kinda made me feel more confused but it was good to vent.

Hopefully I will be able to get this weekend off so I can go to Battlecry and get out of Lapeer. I had such an amazing day yesterday discovering what college life is like. I wish I could just be on my own. When I'm gone from home Adam and Alyson don't do their chores. So I am welcomed by a heaping pile of dishes I didn't even eat off from.

thats just the way it is....things will never be the same

yesterday morning I got up at 6:00 because I had to go to church and make breakfast with our youth group. around 9:00 I saw my friend chris walk in the dining room followed by his girlfriend. I immediately gave him a hug since I hadn't seen him in a while. I didn't realize that behind him and his girlfriend was Staci until a second or two after. she immediately walked to the other end of the dining room, then five minutes later she runs to the bathroom crying. My pastors wife came to my younger sister Alyson and I and Said " you really hurt your sisters feelings...you could have at least said hi." I was stunned since she could have said hi also and did she really expect me to act like everything was ok when I haven't seen her in over a month and she has acted the way she has? A while later I saw Alyson and she said that Staci had made a comment about how I was wearing a shirt that she left at home when she moved out. So then I got even more upset and took it off I was like fine she can have it! (I had a tank top on ....don't worry I wasn't going to just wear my bra at church=]) SO I called my mom (as Staci was hovering over my back listening to my everyword) and I asked her to bring me up a different shirt. She asked what was wrong and I started crying...I was so frustrated Staci was making my sister and I out to be the bad guys, when we had done nothing wrong. Once I was off the phone, she cornered me in the nursery at our church and was saying that a whole bunch of stuff was my fault and everything as tears were streaming down my face (and if you now me...I hardly ever cry). She finally left after telling me to think what I want to think. Then my pastors wife came in and tryed to calm b/c at this point I was huddled in a corner next to legos crying. Once my mom got there I put on my new shirt and finally was calm enough to enter the Easter service. When we got home and my Dad found out, he was so angry he called her and told her to never treat us like that again and put on a show like that at church....then her idiot boyfriend opened his big mouth and was saying stuff int he background. Need less to say my dad was beyond pissed, he threatened to kick Nathans ass.

Since then Staci has managed to shut off my moms cell phone and our direct TV.

My mom went out and bought new cell phones and is calling direct TV as I type.
My Dad has contacted his very intimidating hardcore friend to kick nathans ass.

I'm stressed, upset, and I don't know what to do

I was so thankful when Sarah picked me up yesterday, I got to relax and spend time with someone who cares. She took me around U of M flint and we got to SWIM! It was a lot of fun and I appreciate it a lot. I am really thinking about going there for college. She made my day and idk what I would do without her. She means so much too me b/c she cares and is more like a sister than Staci.

I really don't want to go to school tomorrow =[
and I'm sorry this has been such a long post.


I'll make it through...somehow

So tomorrow is easter...yay.
I miss all of my friends that are getting their tan on while I am freezing as I look out and see the the ground covered in snow. I wish I could say I am having an amazing break. I need to get out of this house.

It hasn't been a horrible break, I mean I have gone to the movies three times, but I miss my friends and I'm thinking about breaking up with Bryan. It's such a hard decision. If I do break up with him my relationship with him and his family will be gone and my parents will be mad at me.

I could use some good advice and I wish someone would show that they loved me ....that would be nice too, because I definately don't feel loved around here.

It's all over

Today has been boring.....really boring.

My mom has been talking about going to Colorado or Georgia for the whole Kidney transplant stuff.
Hopefully we don't move there, and I can stay at a friends house for a while until everything goes back to "normal."

Ha I wish I knew what normal was.Hmmmm I had to work today.....that was SO frustrating. Some people are just so pickey and not very understanding. Then I had to go to the hospital because my younger sister cut her hand open and had to get stitches. While I was there I took turns visiting my sister and one of my best friends because she was in the ER for her asthma and could barely breathe.

It has been a stressful springbreak, I really need to get out of this house. My mom and I have been arguing SOOOOO much it's not even funny. She needs some pills to relieve her stress so then she'll hopefully go back to normal.

Sooo My break was going great...but now it is starting to suck.
My mom hurt her back so now she can't drive or anything and my Dad has Dialysis so he's always tired.
Now I have to do all the chores, dinner, drive everywhere, and get groceries.I haven't complained to them and they are always yelling at me. I'm trying really hard but they don't see it.
Alyson and Adam are with their friends while I am at home driving and serving my parents.
Ha Staci thought she had it bad...She didn't do half the stuff I do now.

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